Why Life Feels So Hard for Your Adult Child
Fair warning
It’s quite possible that my LAUNCH Advice for this week will be all over the place. “Monkey mind” is what it’s called. Although it's not a clinical ADHD symptom, it is an informal term that describes rapid fire, nonstop, jumpy thoughts from one idea to another. In full disclosure, it’s strongly associated with a disorder I have, one you may have heard of and maybe your adult child has it too.
I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD. And you know something? I don’t mind it.
Of course there are times I wish I could quiet my mind and focus more, especially before and after I sleep, but for the most part, this is who I am and I have learned to be quite high functioning in spite of it.
So when parents tell me ADHD is the reason their adult child can’t get anything done with their life, I don’t buy it. Why? Because ADHD affects our executive functions, not our potential. And these executive functions are skills that can be learned and strengthened. In fact, secretly…
I think ADHD can be a super power.
Many people with ADHD are highly creative, highly successful, and very capable of focusing -on what genuinely interests them. The issue is not lack of intelligence or poor motivation. What holds them back is that they are not aware of all the tricks and strategies that can actually improve their executive functioning.
But first, you need to know if that’s what you’re dealing with.
If you’ve had to remind your adult a thousand times to do something but it never gets done, if you’ve asked them a million times to follow through but it ends up as an empty promise, or if you’ve suggested a gazillion times to do a simple task, but you’re still waiting -and it all seems so easy to you- than there might be something bigger going on which requires your attention.
I’m not suggesting that you go and get them tested.
You could, but honestly, that could backfire on you and become another excuse why they can’t get shit done. Or maybe they’ve already been diagnosed with ADHD and you’ve been treating them as if they’re incapable of accomplishing many things.
What I am suggesting is that you do a little research so you can understand how to approach the day-to-day tasks that they’re struggling with. For starters, you can listen to one of my earlier podcast episodes,#13; ADHD in Young Adults: A Psychologist Reveals the Symptoms Most Parents Don’t Know.
You can also check out the latest interview that I did with a brilliant psychologist, Dr. Anna Levy Warren who is also the mother of a young adult with executive functioning issues. It’s episode#61: Parenting Adult Children Who Are Struggling to Function: The Power of Collaboration, Modelling and Expectations. Anna offers great advice, plus her honesty and compassion about coping with her daughter is so humbling.
I truly believe that if you knew how you can help your young adult that as a parent you would feel more capable and confident, less frustrated and irritated. Let me give you 3 everyday behaviors that parents often don’t realize are executive functioning problems with easy solutions that you can help them with right away.
Task initiation
You might think it’s avoidance or defiance. But the truth is, they know what they have to do, it just feels impossible for them to get started.
What they need is a clear starting point, and a structured plan broken down into small, manageable, baby steps.
Time blindness
You might think they don’t respect your time, they don’t take deadlines seriously or they don’t care about punctuality. The fact is they are chronically late because they really have no sense of how much time has passed or how much time things take.
What they need is a large visible clock in their room, actual timers instead of parental reminders, and to learn something called Time Blocking, which means scheduling specific blocks of time for one task so it has a clear start and a clear end.
Organizational skills
You might think they’re careless, messy, or not taking responsibility. But the truth is, they struggle to prioritize tasks, decide what goes where and what matters first. For them, everything feels equally important, so nothing gets completed.
What they need is one place for things, one plan to follow, and clear expectations. What they benefit from is less chaos, fewer choices, and one simple routine they can repeat instead of ten things to remember.
Life can become easier
There are many more executive functioning skills you and your adult can learn about that can make their life far more manageable and productive. Believe me, they’re frustrated with themselves. It’s one of the reasons they’ve stopped trying. Tasks that seem mundane to everyone else are overwhelming for them, and they’re tired of feeling so inadequate.
The good news
Executive functioning skills can be learned. With the right structure in place; modified expectations, collaboration (working with them), and modeling (that’s on you), your adult can begin to experience small wins that rebuild their confidence. When they start to feel capable again, effort returns and progress becomes a reality.
I think you’ll relate to this week's podcast and feel a bit more hopeful.
P.S Registration for the newly formatted parenting course is open. Click to learn more about it HERE:
Warmest Regards,
Shari
Shari Jonas, B.A., M.A, F.L.E.
Parenting Consultant | Author | Host of LAUNCH
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