Why Does My Adult Child Ignore Everything I Say?
If every attempt to talk ends in silence or defiance, and your adult child seems perfectly content living alone in their room, fully supported by you, with no responsibilities and no plans for the future while you feel disrespected, unappreciated, this LAUNCH Advice is for you.
The Hard Truth Most Parents Avoid
The first step to helping your adult child move forward with their life is also the hardest.
You need to change. Because continuing the same approach guarantees the same outcome. Change begins with how you speak, what you say, and what you are willing to accept in your home.
Many parents might have a hard time with this idea. But it’s the truth. Your adult child is not the only one who is stuck. You are too. Stuck in old patterns, repeating the same cycle, holding back because you’re paralyzed by fear to speak your mind, traumatized by your own childhood memories of how you were raised, weighed down by the guilt that you let this go on for so long or you should have done things differently, and all because you don’t know what to say that won’t trigger the reactions of a door slammed in your face, or an explosive tantrum.
Your Home is Like the Wild, Wild West
Imagine the opening scene of a western. The town is in absolute chaos. Complete disorder. Pure bedlam. Cue the music. Everyone looks up. There in the shadows they see someone approaching. Is it the Marlboro man? The dust begins to settle; the sun is reflecting off of a shiny object on their chest. The camera focuses a little closer, and you read the badge, Sheriff.
This could be you. Except the saloon doors you’re about to enter, lead into your adult’s bedroom. And it’s at that moment when your son or daughter realize, there’s a new sheriff in town.
Are you ready to take on that role in your home, setting down a slew of laws that will restore some normalcy to what seems a very stagnant unhealthy lifestyle? Well, they’re not exactly laws, more like boundaries, and that’s exactly what needs to happen.
Why Nothing Changes Without Boundaries
I guarantee that if you don’t decide soon that there’s a new sheriff in town, who's going to shake things up - that nothing is ever going to change and you will find your adult alone in their room, forever. Which is a crazy and scary thought because you aren’t going to be around forever - so what will happen to them? How will they survive without you?
Today I want to offer you a solution that will help you start the process of making real changes. These are baby steps. And you might stumble at first, but with practice, what I’m about to tell you, will put you on solid ground and get things moving along.
The solution? Boundaries. The kind that actually work. And the one thing that most parents get catastrophically wrong.
Why Boundaries Backfire
Most parents don’t know how to express a boundary, and when they try, the words come out wrong, which leads to pushback, silent treatments, and even screaming matches. Over time, they lose confidence in their ability to set boundaries, never mind uphold them.
So, the war on boundaries persists, with adult kids standing firm in their belief that their parents can’t make them do anything. They’re adults after all. Which for some reason, excuses them from being respectful and collaborative.
How to Tell If You Struggle Setting Boundaries
When you speak up about something that matters to you, do you worry you sound controlling?
When you express discomfort around issues like cleanliness or privacy, does it feel like you’re making a demand?
Do you feel guilty stating preferences around things you care about, like your belongings?
And do you know the difference between a personal boundary and a household rule?
I want to help you change all that. And I know I can because I understand how to express a boundary, so the message is clear, and you feel like they're making a personal declaration, rather than spewing some controlling, authoritative rule that puts your adult on the defensive
Let’s Clarify What a Boundary Is and Isn’t
Here's my definition of a boundary, and I hope that once I say this, you will begin to realize how much power you've been giving away, how simple it is to take it back, and that what you've been calling "keeping the peace" has actually been abandoning yourself.
Boundaries are deeply personal; they represent your core values. They are your non-negotiables, predicated on what you will not accept from another person.
Boundaries protect your well-being, your peace of mind. Upholding them is an act of self-respect.
Boundaries teach people that your needs matter and that there are lines they cannot cross.
They are declarations of what matters to you, what you will not tolerate, and what you are unwilling to compromise on. Not only are you entitled to express it, you are encouraged to. When someone loves and cares about you, they will respect your boundaries.
Here's What Boundaries Are Not.
They are not rules you impose on other people.
They are not the ways in which you control another person's behavior.
They are not demands you place on someone.
Having boundaries doesn’t push people away. They teach people how to treat you and how others should treat them.
When It Comes to Our Kids Why Are We So Weak?
I know that when it comes to our kids, we have the hardest time setting and upholding our boundaries.
When they borrow the car without asking and never put gas in it.
When they prepare food for themselves at ungodly hours and leave dirty dishes in their room.
When they continually ask you for money, and then never pay you back because allegedly there are no jobs out there. Not one, anywhere.
Where do you draw the line? When do you get to finally put your foot down, and say, “It’s enough, I will not tolerate this behaviour. It makes me uncomfortable watching you live like this. I can’t accept this anymore.”
That, my friend, is called a boundary. And it’s time you learn how to express them.
It’s the only way you will stop living in your home dominated by an immature, confused, frightened, and insecure human who is stuck and actually needs your guidance, not your weakness.
The Deeper Message
What are we teaching our adult kids about boundaries? It’s more than just you being too soft, or their needs and wants are more important.
It’s that boundaries don’t matter; and if they’ve never respected yours, why would anyone respect theirs? So they’ll struggle to speak up for how they want to be treated by others, because they won’t believe anyone will value them. That’s exactly what you’re modeling.
A Much-Needed Resource
In my parenting course, I talk about boundaries as I teach parents the importance of helping their adults move forward.
Many have shared with me that they don’t know how to properly express a boundary, that it doesn’t land well, the wording either triggers their adult child, or they don’t take them seriously. So I’ve created this resource, a list of 25 guilt-free boundary setting statements that any parent can use, and almost every parent needs.
They’re in my new pdf booklet called, Understanding Boundaries, and the link is here.
The exact phrases can be modified according to your principles, what you feel strongly about, but the structure has to remain unchanged.
Trust me, you will never wonder again how to say what you feel, and your adult will never think of your personal boundaries as controlling or demanding
If You’re Ready for Real Change
Here's the truth: Your peace matters. Your home matters.
You deserve to be respected by the people you love the most.
And finally, your adult children need you to parent them with confidence and leadership, which is exactly what will happen.
It’s the change you’ve been seeking all along.
Access the Boundaries Guide Now!
Warmest Regards,
Shari
Shari Jonas, B.A., M.A, F.L.E.
Parenting Consultant | Author | Host of LAUNCH
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