I’ve Tried Everything and Nothing Has Worked
Is your adult child struggling to move forward?
That simple question makes you so uncomfortable. Even though you tell yourself, "I’ve tried everything and nothing has worked".
Actually, you’ve tried everything you knowhow to do.
You’ve offered advice, encouragement, patience, support, space, second chances, third chances, paid for therapy, stepped in, stepped back.
You’ve had the same conversations more times than you can count.
And slowly, almost without noticing, something shifts.
You stop bringing things up.
You avoid talking to keep the peace.
And here’s what I think is the worst part;
You’ve lost your confidence in your parenting ability.
The emotional exhaustion from feeling so discouraged has taken over.
And you’ve practically given up.
Not because you don’t care.
But because it feels like nothing, and I mean nothing you do actually makes a difference.
There is a name for this experience.
It’s called learned helplessness. Here’s what that means.
Learned helplessness is a psychological state in which a person stops trying to change a difficult situation because repeated experiences of failure, lack of control, or rescue by others have taught them that their actions do not matter.
In other words, after a while, if nothing you’ve done or said has ever made a difference, your brain will start thinking this is pointless and you’ll just stop trying.
Martin Seligman was the first psychologist to identify this response behavior through his research, which showed that when individuals repeatedly experience situations where effort does not lead to improvement, they may develop passivity, low motivation, reduced problem-solving, and diminished confidence, even when change later becomes possible.
The research first began in 1967 when Seligman and another psychologist, Steven Maier designed an experiment using dogs. Don’t worry, they weren’t tortured. Unless you consider feeling defeated and hopeless to be painful.
The dogs were divided into 3 groups. The first group had it easy; they were placed in a harness and were not exposed to any shocks. The 2nd group experienced mild shocks but learned that simply pressing a lever could stop them. Then there was the 3rd group. These dogs also received mild shocks, but no matter what they did - the shocks wouldn’t stop. They had no control. (Okay, maybe that’s a little torture.)
Later, all the dogs were placed in a different setup: a chamber with two sides divided by a small barrier. They could easily escape the shocks just by jumping to the other side. The first two groups quickly figured it out and jumped to safety. But the third group? They didn’t even try. I’ll write that again. They didn’t even try.
These dogs had learned from the previous setting that since nothing they did would change their situation, they endured the shocks, even when escape was possible.
Hmmm, where are we going with this?
And this is how the term ‘learned helplessness’ became popularized. Because humans, just like animals, will stop making an effort once they believe that their actions don’t matter.
I did a solo episode on my podcast where I briefly talked about adult children developing this and how parents could break this cycle. It’s episode #12 How Parents are Unintentionally Holding Their Adult Children Back and What You Can Do Instead.
But don’t think for one minute that learned helplessness applies only to struggling young adults because I can assure you, it’s happening just as often to parents. Maybe even to you.
If you’ve repeatedly tried to motivate, guide, encourage, even set limits, and nothing improves the situation with your adult, your nervous system will associate this with stress and failure. You’ll begin to doubt your judgment. You’ll second-guess your instincts. And, you’ll pull back, not because it’s what you really want to do, but because you’re frustrated and deeply discouraged.
Here's how you know if you’re currently in a state of learned helplessness:
You avoid hard conversations because they never go well.
You lower your expectations because it’s less disappointing.
You step in and do more because it’s easier than watching things fall apart.
You feel stuck, guilty, or worried that any move you make will just make things worse.
Heaven forbid you suggest they go to bed earlier, so they stop sleeping all day. Approaching a rabid dog is more pleasant (since I brought up dogs earlier).
And eventually, you just stop trying. This is called ‘behavioral disengagement; you stop making the effort because everything you have tried has been unsuccessful, even pointless. Before you wonder what the difference is between the two, here’s the briefest explanation:
Learned Helplessness is the belief that nothing you do will make a difference.
Behavioral Disengagement is what you do because of that belief.
Neither of these means you are weak or failing (even though you might feel that way).
It means you are human.
Fortunately humans are highly adaptable and capable of change. But first we must become aware of it. And, now you are.
The biggest problem with feeling helpless or not doing anything is the message your sending to your adult that you don’t believe change is possible. They’re literally walking around thinking, “My parent has given up on me.” So now, you’re both stuck. Fantastic.
Here’s some hope for you.
Learned helplessness is learned (we aren’t born this way) and that means it can be unlearned.
Later on, Seligman’s research showed that when people regain a sense of agency, when they understand they still have influence and they learn how to use it effectively – their desire and confidence begin to return.
This means you can become the leader that your adult needs.
And it all starts with you stop believing that your actions no longer matter.
So what’s it going to take for you to regain your confidence and not feel as helpless?
The answer is simple.
A small win. Whatever that looks like. It’s a sign that you have it in you to make a difference in their life.
Before you carry on with your day, I want you to sit with 2 questions:
What have you stopped doing because you felt it was futile, pointless, and getting you nowhere?
What can you start doing (a little differently) that could help you reconnect with your adult?
If you want to learn how to break free from learned helplessness and behavioral disengagement and become the engaged, effective parent that you are, consider joining my parenting course. I teach parents how to step back into being confident leaders, first by reconnecting and communicating with their adults in ways they might have never tried before. But there is so much more.
You can do this. You are their parent. You still matter. And more than anything else, they need to know you still believe in them.
If not you, than who?
Ready to experience the biggest transformation with your adult?
If you want to learn how to strengthen your adult child's emotional skills, communicate more effectively, rebuild your connection, and help them become capable, responsible, confident, and independent, registration for my parenting course is now open. Inside the course, I teach you the comprehensive strategies that help young adults begin taking real steps toward building a life they can be proud of. If you’re ready for your adult child to have a fuller, richer life, it would be my pleasure to support you on that journey.
To Learn More About the Course, click HERE
Warmest Regards,
Shari
Shari Jonas, B.A., M.A, F.L.E.
Parenting Consultant | Author | Host of LAUNCH
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