What to Say So Your Adult Child Listens
Your 23-year-old is still living in their childhood bedroom, their clothes – both clean and dirty are practically covering the carpet, they remain perfectly content doing nothing with their life. Your 27-year-old is up all night gaming, sleeping through the entire day, with no interest in earning any money. Your 32-year-old treats your home like a hotel, barely speaking to you, never making their bed, eating most meals in their rooms, dishes piling up.
You're living with an adult child (yours) who won't listen to anything you say (as if you have no experience), while living hopelessly under your roof (rent-free).
It doesn’t matter how wise your advice is, how soft spoken you are, how much you’ve ‘let go’, the results are always the same; whenever you talk, you are ignored.
Occasionally, you lose your shit.
And then, all hell breaks loose. Doors get slammed, eyes roll to the back of their head, and you become the shunned villain in your own home.
You feel so mentally drained that you’ve become like a beaten dog, accepting your doomed fate; the parent of a failing-to-launch adult child. There’s a part of you that has given up completely. But there’s another part, that knows if you leave them alone –nothing will change and they’ll stay in their room forever.
Nod your head if this is you.
Blink twice if you wish you knew what to say that could make the biggest difference.
Here's the truth: it isn't that your advice is bad. You’ve been around the block after all.
The problem is HOW you're delivering it, the words you’ve chosen, the emotional tone behind it, and then of course, your lack of consistency. That’s why you’ve lost them.
If I told you how to change all of that, and you followed through, have you any idea what would happen? Two words; listen and respect. I’ll say that again – this time in a complete sentence. Your adult would listen and respect you because your approach would be so different from what they’re used to, that they wouldn’t know how to argue. It would be the calmest and most positive reaction you’ve had in years.
But first, here are some important suggestions that you need to remember moving forward:
Stop telling them what to do.
Why? Because advice (especially unsolicited) backfires.
Research shows that adult children resist when parents give unwarranted advice. It triggers something called "reactance" and they automatically push back because it feels like you’re trying to control them. Never do that.
A Better Approach
Ask questions instead. "What are you thinking about doing?" "What options are you considering?" "How are you planning to handle that?"
This initiates thoughts that are generated from their prefrontal cortex – the thinking part of their brain, rather than triggering a defensive and emotional response – from their amygdala, the part at the back of their brain. They’ll become more open to listening and communicating when they’re in “thinking” mode.
A Common Mistake
The mistake most parents make when their adult child shares a problem is to jump straight to offering solutions. Harmless statements like, "Why don’t you do this…You need to do that instead..." or "Why not try..." And it instantly shuts them down.
Do This Instead: Listen and Validate
Sit and listen to what they’re saying, then repeat it and add in some emotion. "That sounds really stressful." "I can see why you're upset." "That's a tough situation. I get why you’re frustrated."
Then Wait.
Let them talk more. When they seem to have finished, ask "Would you like my advice, or would you prefer that I just listen?”
Studies show that people are 3x more receptive to advice after feeling heard.
Here’s the Hard Part.
When it’s time for you to speak, what’s the right approach? How do you say what needs to be said, so they listen and respect you?
Truth is, if your adult child is not behaving like an adult, you have a responsibility as their parent to help move them along, because they will NOT progress on their own. And that requires communication. Which is scary because of how they will react.
Let’s get one thing straight. Barring their biological age, your 20 to 30-something year old is not behaving like an adult – we covered this in the last newsletter.
Adulthood is defined by responsibilities, personal growth, and self-management in all aspects of one’s life. If they are comfortable living an unproductive life, fully dependent on you (emotionally, physically, and financially) they are pre-adults, and you are their only guiding light.
In order for you to teach them the importance of becoming an adult, the conversations will be focused on you setting expectations of what that actually means. And since we know how much they resist and resent being told what to do, we have to trick them.
We must choose our words (and our actions) carefully, thoughtfully, strategically.
First and foremost: Calm Down Before You Speak Up
You can’t talk to your kids if you’re raging. You will never be able to manage them if you are unable to manage yourself.
When you're angry, frustrated, or have lost control of your emotions, this is called being emotionally dysregulated and the second your adult detects that, they stop listening. They know how to press your buttons after all, so this was strategic.
Why Calm Wins
Young adults respect calm authority, not drama. When we (the parents) get worked up, we sound like lunatics who are out of control. We actually feel that way. Calm is confidence.
Equally important is that we are modeling our behaviour and it’s critical that we approach every conversation as relaxed as possible.
My recent podcast episode (#59) with Dr. Kate Lund talks about this, and she references a very easy method to help us start our day off being optimized. It’s an interesting and helpful interview – and a short one too.
Research shows emotionally regulated parents get better outcomes. When you control yourself first, you control the conversation. And that's when your adult child really listens.
Confidence + Consistency = Respect
Adult children respect two things: confidence and consistency. You need both. One without the other is worthless.
Confident parents say what they mean in calm, clear terms: "I expect rent on the 1st" or "I'm not lending money anymore."
Consistent parents state their boundaries once. No negotiations. No exceptions. No backing down when it gets uncomfortable.
When you combine both, something shifts. Your adult child stops ignoring you. They might not like your boundaries, but they will respect them because when you say something, you mean it, you follow through, and that is something they need in their life; a strong parent who can lead them with confidence.
That's when they finally start listening. No more empty threats. Finally, your words carry weight. But, what are those words?
To keep it simple, remember these 2 rules: never start with “You” and always (try) to start with “I”.
The Problem with "You" Statements
I want you to refrain from using the word “You.” Sentences that begin with, “You must; You should and You need to” are all off the table. As well as sentences like, "You never do what I ask." "You're so irresponsible." "You don't appreciate anything."
To your adult child, these sound accusatory, insulting, bossy or controlling and they’ll get defensive, shut down emotionally, and you’ll have lost them before you even finish the sentence.
Here’s the Secret: Always begin sentences with “I”.
“I’m happy to help you (with that) but I need help (with this).” “I appreciate it when all adults living in this home contribute $XXX monthly”. “I would like for all the adults to do their own laundry once a week.”
The Power of "I" Statements
"I" statements are impossible to argue with because they're about your experience, your core values, and not a personal attack on their character. These statements also show emotional honesty and maturity, which actually earns respect because now you're modeling the type of adult communication you want from them.
"I get worried when I see you in your room all day." "I’m hurt when you walk away during a conversation." "I feel taken advantage of when I'm asked for money repeatedly."
This is you being open about what matters to you, without offending them. Studies show that this approach reduces arguments by 60%.
Yes, we’re talking about boundaries again.
The research on stating or sharing one’s boundaries shows that it actually improves relationships, even though it might feel uncomfortable at first.
And here’s my last bit of advice on this topic:
Short Conversations Work Better
When you have their attention, say what you have to say and stop talking. They tune out after 90 seconds.
The Better Way
Make your point in 2-3 sentences. Then stop. For example: "I'm concerned about... Let's work out a plan this week." "I noticed you seem stressed. I'm here if you want to talk."
No justifying. No over-explaining. No waiting for their approval.
The Real Reason They're Not Listening
It's because the way you've been communicating with them has trained them not to listen or respect you. But you can change this pattern starting today.
Your Next Step
Learning HOW to speak so your adult child listens takes some practice. But once you have the right words (and actions) it will become a habit.
That's why I've created Understanding Boundaries, which includes 25 Ready-to-Use Boundary-Setting Statements. These are sentences that you can adapt to your own expectations, but do not modify the structure.
Plus, you'll get 2 powerful bonuses:
Bonus #1:The Confidence Cheat Sheet.
Bonus #2: 2 Types of Parents Who Struggle with Boundaries
Your adult child can learn to listen to you. You can regain their respect. And it starts with how you communicate your expectations and boundaries because that’s what they need to become responsible, productive and independent adults. For real.
Get the Understanding Boundaries Guide + 2 Bonuses Now Below
You deserve to be valued. And your adult child deserves a parent who communicates with confidence and clarity.
Access the Boundaries Guide & Bonuses Here!
Warmest Regards,
Shari
Shari Jonas, B.A., M.A, F.L.E.
Parenting Consultant | Author | Host of LAUNCH
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